The day after you dumped me, I got the tube home. I walked into my flat no one was in. I sat there on the sofa broken hand and all – I was listening to music and then I listened to some YouTube video about moving forward… I got a text from Louis (I told him everything earlier in the day) I just read the first four lines in the notification screen and I just broke down. I couldn’t stop myself, I just poured down with tears. I was just sat there crying my heart out. I’d officially hit rock bottom sat in the dark tears running down my face in genuine emotional pain. I couldn’t hardly breathe. I’d just lost the one person that made sense to me. The love of my life and my one true best friend. I read those first lines and in all honesty they could have said anything and I think the result would have been the same. It just was the finally nail in my heart – I just broke down until I had nothing left to cry and I was just left with the echoes of my cries and the darkness of my living room.
That’s when I realised I’d hit rock bottom and through my depression the one thing that shined any sort of light through that depression was gone. My head, this dark cloud that hangs over me had drove a wedge between me and the girl I wanted a future with and that gap between us grew to big to the point she utter the words “I’m not in love with you anymore” hearing was worse than any insult, or action or physical pain I’ve ever felt that hit me right where I breathe.
Everything I once thought is lost and now I have to pick myself up, wipe away these tears and tackle everything head on. It’s going to be painful, to not have her by my side. For her to grow towards someone else and my depression to be there always waiting to just take over whenever it wants.
I’ve lost my best friend the only person I ever really opened up too. She meant so much and I’ve never made myself do vulnerable to someone before. I should be mad but all I am is hurt, right now I just want my girl back. For her to give me a hug like she still loves me. But that’s never going to happen again I know I’ve lost nearly everything I cared about outside of my job. But I have to get up for her and for myself. I won’t say I’ve got no more tears to cry because I know that’s not true and this coming week I’ll probably be sat right back in this dark room alone surrounded by my tears several times over the coming days but this is just how it’s going to be for a while. I have to accept that. But as I wipe away this last tear that’s running down my slightly burnt cheek I know that that’s okay – what matters is what happens next.