So I wanted to write about how this will all be okay and it’s normally to feel this and something along the lines of there’s light at the end of the tunnel – this break up will make you type of nonsense. But I haven’t got there yet. Everything still hurts.
Everything is so confusing, every part of my head wants to do everything to protect me. It says that’s it – she’s walked away instead of fighting and that’s not fair. But my heart hangs on to this glimmer of hope she will come back to me.
I won’t lie we’ve text over the last day, and I know that will only fuel the fire that is my confusion but I can’t help it. It’s familiar, it’s her. It means she’s not completely left me.
I think that’s what sucks most the routine. We spoke everyday and we spoke on the phone every night. That’s what sucks is that when I climb into bed either she’s not going to be there or I won’t hear her voice. I can’t hear how her day went and I can’t hear her laugh. I can’t hear anything – I just hear my own thoughts battling each other. Fighting. Trying yo decide what to do next, what to feel and how to act.
I told her tonight that it’s not fair to give me a glimmer of hope because the truth is I’m deeply in love with her and I can’t let that go – I’ll clutch onto any hope she shows me without even thinking.
But she needs to tell me if there’s hope or if the doors closed and I have to hope one day she’ll be mine again and we can have that future we know so happily planned.
She said it’s not that black or white and she doesn’t know.
So I have no choice but to battle my demons, avoid the twist of fate that is my confusion and just take it day by day.