So today was a mixed bag started off well, some good work news and then it was gone – over a little thing I broke down again. I couldn’t stop it from happening, emotions just took over my whole entire body I couldn’t breathe. I had to leave my office for a second and calm down.
When I finally got back to my apartment I listened to a song. One lyric said “it’s apart of the times” and that really stuck with me. I kinda without literally doing it looked at myself in the mirror. Almost as if I saw the real me. The me I had become. This wasn’t recognisable. This wasn’t who I was it was who I turned into. It was a horrible sight. I know what she did wasn’t right and it crushed me but I’m a way I’m kind of grateful now.
I’d broke down so many times over the past three days. I just have nothing left to give. There’s nothing left to break and what was left, underneath those shattered remains of my once self is me. A new me, a me that was to rebuild himself into the man he knows he can be.
I’d officially hit rock bottom it was not pretty. I began to lose this wild emotions and just feel numbness. This wasn’t any numbness I’d felt before this was different for the first time in a long while I was calm.
I started to see things differently. How I’ve been made to feel, our previous relationship and her differently.
For three I’ve been fighting and just running off our emotions. My head was trying to speak but my heart over powered it so much not even s word could get through.
But at rock bottom your heart is no longer scared, its silent. It’s switched off and now for the first time it’s time for my head to take over and decide how to piece myself together.
All I wanted for the past three days was my girlfriend and my best friend back. But now my heads in charge everything has changed. I said this all to her through text and then again on the phone. I said I think it’s best we don’t talk, I need to figure out what the best direction is for me. I’m finally seeing things differently now.
So I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I just want to be alone and figure everything out and for the first time since she broke up with me I felt like I got a genuine response. She just simply said I love you and I truly think she meant that.