Numb. 

I woke up this morning different. Like the title says I felt numb. Now numb doesn’t necessarily mean a bad thing this time. I can no longer think with my heart, so I feel numb and my head is in charge but for the first time in a while it feels like this dark cloud had parted ways. It’s no longer above me. 

Everything’s changed. Last night I said I need time yalone to think – she suddenly said she misses me and she wants us back “the balls in my court” she may have started the ball rolling but I’m certainly going to finish it. There’s a part of me that knows regardless whether I want to get back with her or not. I don’t think I’ll be able to let myself be that vulnerable again for a long time… if ever. 

This weekend I’m alone, now although people in my life have been giving me advice left, right and centre ultimately it’s down to me to decide. My housemates on holiday and she’s off to a rave. So this is a good test. Firstly a test for her to see if she wants me or anyone there. Secondly a test to see if I care anymore. For so long I was a little jealous and I was a lot insecure. The type of guys she made friends with or are friends with are the complete opposite to me physically. It was overwhelming and it became intimidating for me. My self esteem slowly got littler and littler. My body isn’t as big or as tanned as there’s, I need to change. One day if I look like that there will be a bigger spark and more passion she will fancy me more. Think I’m sexier and more attractive. I was intimidated and the type of party girl she is she always makes friends. Always talking to everyone so these types of guys old or new are always going to be there and I didn’t know how to handle that – mainly because once again I was running of pure emotion and slight depression. 

I’ve realised at rock bottom it’s not fair to feel like that. I shouldn’t feel like that I’m a great guy I’m not the best looking but I should never be intimidated by anyone else’s looks. 

Most importantly this weekend, it’s time for me to really sit down and think. No longer is it about what I want it’s about what is the best move for me going forward. 

Is my future with her or not. Is choosing her best for my head or dill I just end up slipping back into insecurities. 

It wont be a quick decision but there will be one soon. I can’t be in limbo about her for much longer. Now this might be a painful choice but when I’m ready to speak to her again and when I come to that decision I’m going to stick with it. 

No matter what my heart is no longer in the driving seat. 

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