Why is it so hard. When one minute I think I have everything figured out – the next I’m alone in the comfort of my own home and it’s all upside down.
I understand it could just be that I miss the novelty of it all and not her. But the little things that make my heart beat when we do them or when she does something that she doesn’t even realise and it brings a smile to my face are pulling onto my heart strings ever so tight right now.
I had this plan to do everything I could to feel “single” but anything on that plan I can’t bring myself to do. Everything in my head is telling me it’s too late. You’re too hurt, leave! Go out the door and never look back, bring your tears with you and trust in me that you are making the right decision, have faith and hold on to it until it stops hurting. But that’s the problem it does hurt – sure I can distract myself, with my housemate or with work or football but when that’s gone, when I’m alone all that I can feel. Not think but feel in my gut is her. She’s pulling on me, and I’m fighting oh I’m fighting so hard not to text her and just say “hey babe, I miss you. I need you. Come home”
But I know I can’t, whatever I have to do I have to stay the course this weekend and figure this out. This will affect my whole future. I can’t mess this up.
I have a pro and a con for everything right now, I suppose the biggest thing I need to figure out is. Will she hurt me again, she’s done it once for whatever reason and I know deep down, I can’t be hurt like this months or a year down the line because if I’m honest with myself I don’t know how I’d ever pick myself back up.